Milestone birthdays are always a time for reflection. Am I where I thought I’d be at this age? Does my life look how I thought it would at 21, 30, 40? Career, family, health, life experiences, house, car, strong support network? For me, and many others I speak to, the answer is a resounding NO!
As I sit here writing this on the eve of my 40th birthday in the most stunning beach front property in Cornwall listening to the waves crash against the shore, I feel an overwhelming sense of mixed emotions.
To date, my milestone birthdays have been traumatic to say the least. Each one I was in ill health, unable to celebrate the way I wanted to and had an underlying feeling of helplessness.
So turning 40 had real significance for me. I was determined to feel as fit, healthy and empowered as possible. And want to share with you how I went about proactively doing this. But first a little background on my previous milestone birthdays for perspective.
My Milestones To Date
The day I turned 18, I had my second seizure whilst away on holiday celebrating with my friends. I was still unaware of the severity of my illness at that point. But knew my life would never be the same again.
It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was never going to be a normal 18 year old, do all the things a normal 18 year old would do or celebrate coming of age in the traditional way of going out and getting hammered drunk.
Fast forward to my 21st birthday. Now 7 months pregnant with a brain tumour and cheated death just a few months previously after having a two day long seizure. Not a drop of bubbly drank, no real celebrations to be had and no hopes of seeing my 30th birthday.
By a sudden twist of fate, I miraculously made it to 30! I was brain tumour free! I couldn’t wait to finally be able to celebrate a milestone birthday feeling healthy and full of excitement for what my future held!
But just before my actual birthday, I became extremely ill and developed a stomach ulcer. My mom and sister threw me the most incredible surprise birthday party ever! All of my family and closest friends gathered decked out at an amazing venue in black tie attire ready to celebrate and party the night away. Everyone except me.
The stomach ulcer made it nearly impossible to eat nevermind drink a drop of alcohol. Obviously I was still able to enjoy the moment but still had an underlying feeling of restriction, deprivation and self-pity. Why does this always happen to me? Why can’t I just be healthy and enjoy my life?
The funny thing is, turning 30 changed my life! I had one of those life changing ah-ha moments… an epiphany. When I asked myself those questions… am I where I want to be at 30? The answer was a simple no! Where I was at was even better than I'd ever hope!
It dawned on me that I didn’t even think I was going to be alive at 30! So what if I have a stomach ulcer and in pain? This was totally manageable, healable and was NOT going to hold me back! I had my whole life ahead of me, what was I going to do with it?
It was like a light had been switched on. The world opened up and the possibilities of what I could achieve felt endless! I travelled, went to university, developed my career, found love. I was finally able to live, felt strong and empowered for the first time since being a teenager! Like there was nothing I couldn’t do. And I wanted to do it all!
If it doesn’t excite me, it’s not for me! If I’m not passionate about it, it’s not for me! If you can’t get deep with me, I’m probably not for you!
The last decade has been a real mixed bag. Some incredible experiences that I’ll cherish forever. The things I’ve learned, people I’ve met, opportunities I’ve had. Some of them were things dreams were made of. There were also some horrifically dark and desperate times. Especially between the ages of 35 - 38.
Fit For 40 Plan of Action
So on the run up to 40, my milestone birthday anxiety inevitably kicked in. I began asking myself those questions again:
Am I where I want to be financially, in my career, in my relationships?
Am I doing things that align with who I truly am?
Am I being brutally honest with myself about what I want out of life?
Am I living an authentic life in integrity to who I really am and what I want?
What is my purpose on this planet and am I doing things that fulfil that calling?
Are my habits and routines supporting my optimal physical and mental wellness?
Am I living small and not maximising my potential?
If the answer is no, where am I standing in my own way and holding myself back?
For me, the answer to many of these questions was no. Or I don’t know. It’s no wonder I was feeling anxious and uncomfortable!
But I was also excited. This was a great opportunity to self-reflect, dig deeper, be brutally honest with myself and do the hard work on my personal growth necessary to build the life I truly want!
Most people would jump straight in with focusing on getting physically fitter. It’s the easiest place to start. So that’s what I did. Especially as I was determined not to spend another milestone birthday feeling ill, weak and disempowered!
So I set off on my quest to be ‘Fit For 40’! I did an audit of my current daily/weekly routines and started to make positive sustainable changes. These included:
Exercising 3 - 4 times a week
Nutrition - taking a probiotic, drinking minimum of 2L of water a day, eating nutritious food and minimising intake of ‘junk food’
Improving sleep hygiene - turning off electronic devices 30-60mins before bed, going to bed between 9:30 - 10pm, doing a gratitude list and meditation before sleep
Meditation and daily readings upon waking for 30mins
Listening to podcasts and audiobooks during my commutes instead of the radio to learn new things, improve mindset and personal growth
My health, wellbeing and mental fitness improved almost immediately. Luckily because of my personal training and nutritionist background, getting into a healthy eating and exercise routine is never a struggle for me. I’ve lived for over the last decade eating well and exercising daily.
With those routines back on track, I noticed that my meditation and self-reflection practices were bringing up things that required far more urgent attention than my abs.
The biggest realisation in my fit for 40 journey came from answering these questions about self-love and my upper limits to love.
It was the bigger questions about living honestly, authentically, serving my purpose in the world, being where I wanted financially and in my relationships that were calling me to take a deeper look and take priority.
When Best Laid Plans Take A Surprising Turn
Whilst listening to one of my favourite podcasts with Mark Groves of @createthelove (check him out, he’s legit), he posed the following questions:
If I truly believed I was enough, that I was worthy of being safe and loved, what would I do or choose in this situation?
When I love people, they… (fill in the blank)
When I let people love me, they… (fill in the blank)
I answered the first two questions easily. And for most people the answers to the last two questions will be the same or at least similar.
‘When I love someone they…’ and ‘When I let someone love me they…’ hurt me, leave me, abandon me, cheat on me, don’t love me back, smother me, try to control or change me, etc..
That last question though… this was the million dollar question for me! At first I had no answer for it. Because honestly, I couldn’t remember a time I actually felt loved by someone consistently or let someone love me fully.
Then it came to me! The answer was two sided. First side was the people that really love me, that show up for me every day of my life. My mother, sisters, daughter, best friends… I don’t let them love me!
It makes me feel so uncomfortable… almost icky. I can almost feel myself freeze and tighten up when they show me affection and absolute love. Like I don’t trust it.
The second side is my romantic relationships. In the past I have chosen romantic partners who very often love me the best they know how, but are incapable of fully loving or committing to me.
Although these answers are different, they come from exactly the same place and achieve exactly the same thing. They are both ways of protecting myself from being hurt by love.
Answering all of these difficult questions sparked of number of huge life changes. Some of which I had complete control over, some not.
I moved house (always stressful), my daughter moved out to start her life at university four hours away and I made the decision to walk away from my romantic relationship.
All of a sudden my home, family, partner…the main things in my life daily that brought me joy, love, safety, security, fun, laughter and companionship… the things I poured all of my love, care and life force into, were gone.
At the time, it felt like all of these things were happening ‘to’ me. I felt a sense of loss… almost like grief. It sounds stupid, I know. But change is uncomfortable. Even when you’re the one instigating it. Even when you know these changes are necessary for growth and a better life.
I was grieving the loss of my daughter. For 18 years it had just been me and her against the world! Our very own little dream team! But now she was spreading her wings and taking the next step in to independence and womanhood which filled me with so much pride and joy!
The house move was going to facilitate a financial investment into my future. And the relationship had to end. Not because of a lack of love but because we wanted different things and that’s a deal breaker.
So I had to let go of the idea of ‘being where I want to be’ at 40. Instead I had to firmly believe I’m always exactly where I’m supposed to be!
Reminding myself that these were choices I made for myself to take that courageous leap towards living a life that is more in alignment with who I truly am and what I truly want.
The biggest realisation in my fit for 40 journey came from answering these questions about self-love and my upper limits to love.
Over the course of my life, I’ve done a huge amount of healing work and have a good understanding of attachment styles and how childhood traumas can impact on how we limit ourselves in love and relationships.
But it always amazes me how it can all seem to go out the window when we get into a new relationship. Like the universe is giving us another opportunity to practice and make sure we learned our lesson for real the last time.
Like the parts of us that still may need to heal and grow are mirrored to us by that other person. And they give us (or should give us) a safe place to do that work and become even better versions of ourselves. And we do the same for them.
But how exciting is it to think that all our relationships are just opportunities for maximal soul growth! I love that!
The ending of my recent relationship mirrored this realisation. The man I walked away from was a great man. He was loving, caring, funny, affectionate, driven, intelligent. He made me smile and laugh almost every minute we spent together.
He ticked almost every box and came into my life at the absolute perfect moment! It was like one of those ‘fate’ moments if you believe in that sort of thing. A movie ‘meet cute’ in a random coffee shop miles away from home. Three hours of deep conversation later and the rest was history.
We even realised we’d matched on one of those cringy online dating apps a couple years previously but never actually met up… standard haha!
But I was glad we didn’t because neither of us was in a good place back then. We would never have had the amazing loving experience back then that we had now.
But as I began honestly answering all those big life questions as I approached 40, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was ready to continue building an amazing life and wanted to share that with a great partner.
This was no revelation. I had wanted this for quite some time. But when I was brutally honest with myself, I realised I had been living small and choosing partners that I knew were never going to fulfil that role and grow with me.
I was ready to let someone love me. Someone who wanted to grow and build together. To enrich each other’s lives and support each other in becoming the best most successful versions of ourselves. Both individually and together as a formidable team.
I would’ve loved for it to be with him but he just wasn’t ready to take that next step yet and that was ok. We lovingly said our goodbyes.
As I reflected further, I realised that deep down my gut instinct had been telling me for a couple months prior to our breakup that we wanted very different things.
My gut told me that despite the love we had for each and the love he consistently showed me daily, he had no intention of fully committing, opening up or building a life together.
This is by no means a criticism of him. More an acknowledgement of me choosing to ignore my gut instinct and wondering why I didn't leave a couple of months sooner.
So knowing what I know, why did I ignore my gut? Why didn't I leave sooner?
Because when we were together, I felt incredible! We had the best conversations, laughed constantly, had lightening chemistry. We could do anything and nothing together. He lit me up, opened my heart and gave me a safe place to be me.
Honestly, I just didn’t want to let that go yet. But when I asked myself what would I do if I truly believed I was worthy and deserving of the love and life I desired, I knew I had to let go and move on.
Because all of those things are simply not enough. Love and chemistry are amazing but mean nothing without alignment.
On a side note, NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT INSTINCT! It’s always right! It is there for a reason. It is your body’s built in warning system and it is there to save your life. Remember that shit!
Why Do We Turn Our Backs On The Love We Desire?
This all got me thinking... why do so many people limit themselves in love this way?
If every single person on the planet has a desire for loving connection. If we all long to love and be loved fully in return, why do we choose people that are incapable of fully committing and loving us in return.
We have all been through stuff. Traumas of all kinds, childhood, abuse, abandonment, neglect betrayal, heartbreak. All of these things can cause emotional wounds that make us shut down or be fearful and untrusting of love.
Looking back to my childhood, I have vivid memories of being in my family home with all of my family members hiding out in their bedrooms with the doors closed. I couldn’t have been more than three or four years old.
I would wander up and down the hallways stopping at each door. Firstly my parent’s door. I would place my ear to the door feeling anxious afraid to knock and ask if I could come in. I knew the answer… ‘You know I’m busy. Leave me alone for an hour’.
Then on to my older sister’s door. The same anxiety would overwhelm me but even more so! If I ever summoned up the courage to actually knock on her door, it was usually met with an abrupt, ‘get out, go away’! Knowing she was on the other side of the door but didn’t want me used to break my heart.
Lastly was my older brother's door. This was an absolute last resort for a number of reasons I won’t delve into in this blog. But luckily he was hardly ever home.
In these moments I felt abandoned, unsafe, lonely, worthless, sad, fearful… I was a tiny child and all wanted was the love of my parents, sister and brother. But all the love and affection I desired was on the other side of those closed doors!
No matter how many times I knocked on those doors, they never opened. The love, time, effort, attention and affection I so desperately sought was always locked away behind that damn door. I suppose on some level my internal belief system became that I simply wasn’t worthy of it.
Obviously as an adult, I know this is not true! We are all human. My family were riding a shitstorm of abuse, addiction, neglect, poverty… and everyone was on the same sinking ship all scrambling for the life vests desperately trying to survive!
Every single one of us has our own version of this story. Times in our lives where the people who mean the most to us didn't show up for us, didn't love us the way we deserved, abandoned us.
Some of us may have had a parent that was emotionally unavailable, neglectful, not present, ill, suffering with addiction or mental health problems. Others may have had a parent who was controlling, overbearing or abusive.
And some of us hit the shit parent jackpot with both embodying one or more of these traits!
As a child it's hard to comprehend that it's not personal. That everyone is just doing the best they can with the unhealed wounds they have too.
That's why it was so important to me throughout my adult life to work hard on healing my childhood traumas. Not just for me, but for my daughter as well.
But as much work as I’ve done to heal those parts of myself, it became very clear to me, that those old patterns of choosing someone that was going to hide that big love behind the door were being mirrored to me to work on once again but at a deeper more subtle level.
That’s what I love about life and the universe! It gives us ample opportunity to learn lessons over and over until we get it right. And even when we think we’ve cracked it, the universe will test us again just to make sure haha!
So going back my full answer to the question… When I let someone love me, they…?
I have never trusted my family’s love for the reasons stated above, so I keep their love at a safe distance. I don’t let them close enough to love me.
When I let men love me, they withhold their love, abuse, hurt or abandon me. So in the past have chosen men I knew deep down couldn’t possibly be capable of loving me how I deserve to be loved. I chose men that would love me the same as my family did in my fucked up childhood.
Cause that’s the rub. How can we let someone truly love us when we haven’t been taught how to receive unconditional love by our parents and families? We don’t even know what it looks or feels like! When we are met with it, it’s completely alien! It feels scary, different, we don’t trust it. We reject it.
So it becomes a better the devil you know situation. If we were taught that love is painful, traumatic, abusive, withheld, not given freely. That is what our core belief of love is. We seek it out. It’s painful, but it’s a pain we know. A familiar pain. A pain we know how to deal with.
It seems ass backwards and completely fucked up! And it is! But that's the work. That is where we get to learn how to love ourselves, have our own backs and choose better.
Love Yourself. Be The Rock.
Being able to ask ourselves these questions and answer them as honestly as we know how in this moment is a great place to start getting some awareness and understanding of our upper limits to love and life.
This awareness allows us to begin to choose differently. But we want these changes to stick we have to delve deeper. All the way down to that deep dark layer that brings you face to face with the core of all these issues. You and your ability to love yourself.
Because as much I hate those memes about loving yourself! Jeez, they’re so cliche, cheesy and offer no real proactive advice on how to go about learning to love yourself! Plus it seems so obvious that you have to love yourself, doesn’t it?! Surely everyone loves themselves?
But if we truly loved ourselves, we wouldn’t push people away who love us or chase after people who treat us like shit. We wouldn’t put ourselves in dangerous or unsafe situations or abuse drugs or alcohol.
So in those moments when we’re triggered by the people we love because they’ve done something that hurt us. When we’re seeking love from empty places. When we’re running from love because we don’t trust it.
What if we could just stop. Be still. Be patient, passive, vulnerable. Be confident in our own love, security, integrity and strength. Turn inwards towards ourselves. Have our own backs. Be our own one true constant. No matter what life was throwing at us.
Like the rocks lining the shoreline outside my window being battered by the thrashing waves. The tide comes in relentlessly pounds them with the unbridled force of Mother Nature.
Then the tide goes back out and the rocks are given some respite. But as the tide comes back in, they do not change their position.
No matter what they are faced with, they do not falter. Over time their shape may change due to weathering the storm but they stand still. They stand strong, true to themselves in their vulnerability.
Be the rock. Stand strong in your true authentic self. Believe in your own strength and integrity. All the love, joy and strength we desire is already inside each and every one of us. We just aren’t always great at tapping in to it. It's an inside job.
Giving and receiving love is one of the great joys in life, but we cannot rely on the love of others to fill us up. We must fill ourselves up first. And this is done by being still, patient, vulnerable.
By taking the time to truly connect with ourselves and our hearts. Then the love of others simply adds to our own fullness of love. Then we can love even bigger.
What Being Fit For 40 Means To Me
Becoming fit for 40 has taken me on an unexpected journey of self-discovery, self-awareness and wellness. Lots of endings and new beginnings.
An exciting journey I'll continue on for the rest of my damn life cause if you're not learning and growing, you're dying!
Not only do I feel physically fitter. I feel emotionally, mentally and psychologically stronger. With more clarity about who I authentically am and the kind of fulfilling life I'm building. And for me that beats having rock hard abs any day!
For me, being fit means nurturing myself body, mind and soul. Respecting the meat vessel my soul wanders this planet in by exercising and eating well… most of the time :)
Improving my mind by being constantly curious and eager to learn from anyone and everyone!
Feeding my soul by building a life based on love, forgiveness, compassion, deep connections, mindfulness and helping others.
If it doesn’t excite me, it’s not for me! If I’m not passionate about it, it’s not for me! If you can’t get deep with me, I’m probably not for you!
But I didn’t come here to fuck around. I didn’t cheat death more times than I can remember to play small and live a superficial life.
I did not survive to be mediocre and live fearfully in the darkness. I survived to live and love to my full capacity, realise my true potential and help others learn to love themselves strong along the way.
Thank you for sharing this crazy, scary, thrilling, beautiful, enlightening life journey with me! x
Thank You x