I’ve just had someone tell me that I look truly happy in this photo... it’s amazing the masks we can wear to cover how we’re really feeling.
On this day, I was heartbroken, suffering from crippling anxiety, freezing my tits off and miserable because I was having my photo taken which I HATE! But somehow I found a way to dig deep and put on a smile. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’m not sure it’s either, but we’ve all done it! Obviously I’m not condoning living in harmful denial. Plastering on a fake smile to hide our pain is not healthy. Pretending you’re ok when you’re not ok is not ok!
But we are all guilty of doing it… some more than others. And we all do it for different reasons.
Some of my reasons for faking a smile are not wanting to appear weak. Like in a professional situation when I’m leading a team or when I have to deal with someone difficult or aggressive who triggers and upsets me.
Or when I come home to my daughter and don’t want to upset her by seeing me upset and struggling, I push my feelings aside and pretend I’m ok.
Then there are the times I smile through fear… fear that if I share how I’m truly feeling, someone will disapprove, mock, judge or even worse, abandon or stop loving me.
Fear of being brutally honest with myself about how I really feel and what I actually need to do to change things! Especially when I know what needs to be done is going to be scary, difficult or uncomfortable.
Feeling completely consumed by darkness and hopelessness, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling truly happy or smiling again for real.
When pretending I was OK, Was Not OK
A few years ago, I suffered from clinical depression. In some weird twist of fate, during this time I was also attacked in London Euston train station, lost my ‘dream job’, moved house four times in six months, fell into a toxic relationship and my daughter started to self-harm and have suicidal thoughts.
Not surprisingly this catalogue of events only compounded my already fragile mental health In addition to the depression, crippling anxiety and fear of going out in public took hold.
Feeling completely consumed by darkness and hopelessness, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling truly happy or smiling again for real.
But everyday somehow I got up, got dressed, went to work and put a smile on my face. This is one of those times it’s NOT OK! I was NOT OK!
Hiding away from people as much as possible became my only coping strategy. It was torturous.
Despite finding the strength to reach out to friends and family, it wasn’t enough. I knew professional help was needed.
Unfortunately I allowed a toxic person in my life convince me that the stigma of getting help for a mental health problem would tarnish my life forever and negatively impact me professional and financially.
Obviously this is utter nonsense, but my mental health was in tatters. I didn’t have the clarity of mind to see through the BS and rationalise it.
Luckily a couple of toxic people left my life which allowed me to see more clearly and seek out the professional help I needed to reconnect with myself and my real smile.
Sometimes You Just Gotta Put On A Happy Face
Sometimes our reasons for feeling low aren’t as drastic as depression. We’re simply upset because of day to day shit we contend with... Life happens.
An argument with a loved one, a relationship breakdown, financial struggles, stressful work environment, prolonged sickness, lack of sleep… or a mixture of all of the above.
In these times, smiling, maintaining a positive mindset and being grateful for all the wonderful things we have is a good thing! It can actually lift our mood and change how we feel.
My belief is that sometimes it’s ok to smile through the pain. Especially in certain situations where it’ll actually lift our mood or when being completely open and vulnerable isn’t safe.
However this is only ok if we are willing to face our feelings and process them later when it’s safe to do so.
For our own mental health we have to be brutally honest with ourselves about how we feel and be willing to seek external help and support when we’re unable to process and move forward from it on our own.
When we cover up our emotions with a fake smile all day everyday, that is when we lose ourselves.
Those overwhelming feelings of pain and anxiety that we are afraid to share with another human being, begin to eat away at us. But we have to remember that’s exactly what they are... FEELINGS.
Feelings are not reality no matter how real they feel! However feelings are also non-negotiable. We feel what we feel and no one can change that... except for us.
But that kind of change takes a lot of hard work! It can require us to change behaviours, core beliefs, mindsets…this can’t be done overnight and is rarely possible without support.
I’m fortunate to have been brought up in an environment where talking about your feelings is the norm. On a side note, my family can also take this way too far and have a habit of oversharing and vomiting emotions all over the place haha!
Despite being comfortable with talking to people and asking for help, I still struggle to honestly communicate my feelings with loved ones out of fear of judgment and abandonment.
But I like to think that scars from our past traumas are superficial wounds (though some cut VERY deep!) Layers of armour that are laid one on top of another over our true selves that still lie beneath.
The anxiety, depression, fear and heartbreak that can weigh us down to the point we actually forget who we truly are underneath it all... loving, kind, caring, compassionate human beings.
That is our true nature! That is who we truly are! The other crap is a lie, a symptom of the abuse, traumas, loss or diseases we’ve suffered. An effect of the traumatic cause we’ve endured… And living a lie is tiring.
Maybe I wasn’t putting on a brave smile in this photo after all?! Maybe the camera just caught sight of something even I couldn’t see that day... that I am love and only love is real.
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