With so much talk in the media these days about mental health, we are much more aware of the severity of the problem and perils faced by so many.
Not a day goes by where we don’t see or hear some story related to mental health on social media or the news.
But I can’t help but feel like the term ‘mental health’ is being overused and generically batted about in reporting to describe a host of complex issues from depression, anxiety, PTSD, substance abuse, eating disorders, personality disorders, psychotic disorders, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
Don’t get me wrong! It should be talked about! For far too long the stigma surrounding mental health has caused untold unnecessary suffering and tragic loss of life. And we know the only way to stop the stigma and save lives is by raising awareness... to get talking.
But with statistics reporting up to 1 in 4 people experiencing some form of mental health problem each year (and I’d say that’s a conservative estimate), why are we not delving deeper and speaking more openly and honestly about the specifics of people’s mental health issues?
Lord knows I’m no mental health expert! But I am one of the world’s leading experts on treating myself like a piece of shit!
SELF-HARM IS MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK
Unknowingly, self-harm is something that I’ve struggled with throughout my life. Sadly it seems to be one of the least talked about mental health issues whilst being one of the most common!
Lord knows I’m no mental health expert! But I am one of the world’s leading experts on treating myself like a piece of shit!
Funnily enough, I never viewed my behaviour as self-harm. But as I sit here writing this blog with my fingers dripping blood on to my keyboard from picking and biting the skin round them and two months deep into an IBS flare up due to binge eating the precise foods I know will cause it, who am I trying to kid.
So what exactly is self-harm. Mind charity describe it as:
‘When you hurt yourself as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences.’
People often associate self-harm with cutting, burning, hitting or poisoning themselves. But it includes so much more than just inflicting physical pain on oneself. It’s emotional and psychological pain too.
More subtle ways you may be hurting yourself without even realising it’s self-harm include:
Over exercising
Over/under eating (comfort/binge eating)
Picking, scratching, biting your skin (nails, around your cuticles, lips, face, inside of cheeks, feet, arms, legs etc)
Promiscuity (having repeated unsafe sex or using sex to fill an emotional need)
Using alcohol or drugs to excess (to numb pain or emotions)
Putting yourself in unsafe situations you know may cause you harm (starting fights or getting into relationships you know are potentially abusive or will hurt you)
Self-sabotaging relationships / pushing people away who love you when things are going good because you don’t feel like you deserve to be loved or happy (family, friends, partners, career opportunities)
Self-loathing / Negative self talk
From that list and definition, I’d be tempted to say most people have self-harmed at some point in their lives and may not have actually been aware of it.
And if so many of us are battling with the effects of self-harm, why do we not hear more about it? Why are we so afraid to talk about it?
ME, MY SELF-HARM AND I
In the past, I never considered myself as someone who would self-harm. In fact, I used to struggle to understand a person’s compulsion to cut, burn or hit themselves as a form of relief from their pain, stress and emotions. It seemed crazy to me!
But as I worked through my traumas and became more self aware, I realised that I was actually self-harming from the age of three or four years old. This was around the time I started being sexually abused by a family member.
It began with biting and picking the skin around my fingernails which developed into a more severe form known as Dermatillomania.
Obsessively gnawing and picking at my skin sometimes for hours a day until it’s raw, bleeding, disfigured and extremely painful… sadly a habit I still have to this day.
I’d feel ashamed and embarrassed by the appearance of my mutilated hands, often hiding them in my pockets, fearful someone would see them and make fun of me.
My obsession with picking would ramp up significantly when I felt stressed, anxious, unsafe or out of control… which in my childhood through to my mid 20’s was most of the time.
It’s almost like a form of perfectionism. I see a tiny piece of imperfect skin around my nails that looked jagged, discoloured or cracked. It annoys me that it doesn’t look smooth and flawless like the rest of my skin so would pick and bite at it to make it look better.
Obviously that only made things worse so I’d pick and bite more. It was never ending. Before I knew it, my fingers were pouring with blood, throbbing, burning and could be extremely painful.
Weirdly I never once associated this behaviour with self-harm. In my mind, it was simply a habit. And quite a satisfying one to be honest, until i couldn’t stop the bleeding or got lime, lemon or salt in my open wounds! But I know better now.
With age, I have become more aware of the things that trigger this behaviour but it is still something I struggle with when my emotions get the better of me.
It‘s something I’ve never been able to stop completely. Although having some type of false nails on like acrylics, gel or shellac do help as a short term deterrent.
This is just one way my self-harm manifested itself. As an adult, I developed IBS after suffering with a stomach ulcer caused by overuse of anti-inflammatory meds. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with.
Being in pain, discomfort and looking ‘chubby’ for days, weeks, months on end. Unable to eat without it being uncomfortable and unsightly, but knowing you have to eat… it was a real head fuck!
I felt hopeless, depressed and thought I’d never be free of discomfort, pain or be able to eat like a ‘normal’ person again.
Over time, I learned what triggered my IBS, what foods, drinks and stresses I need to avoid to keep my gut functioning optimally without flare ups. But you guessed it. I would reach straight for the foods I should actually avoid!
To make matters worse, when I have a flare up, it plays tricks with my head. I feel out of control, anxious, fat, ugly, in pain, uncomfortable and depressed which only compounds the problems.
Instead of cleaning my nutrition up like I should, these negative feelings compel me to consume the crap that’s hurting me even more! It’s a vicious cycle.
Other forms of self-harm I’ve indulged in are:
Binge eating - I can easily eat more than a 300lbs powerlifter training for a comp! Whyte Goodman ain’t got nothing on me!
Extreme exercise regimes which caused adrenal fatigue and serious back injury which still plagues me today
Abuse of alcohol and drugs in my teenage years trying to numb the pain of the physical and emotional traumas I suffered in my childhood
Sub-consciously seeking out forms of abusive relationships or situations that I knew would cause me physical and emotional harm
Pushing away friends, family, loved ones and boyfriends when all they wanted to do was love and support me… I didn’t feel worthy of their love
These forms of self-harm may pose less immediate physical danger than some such as cutting, poisoning and burning yourself.
However they all come from the same root psychological problems to get the same desired effect… momentary relief from psychological turmoil.
I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE
My worst nightmare became a reality when I found out my daughter was struggling with self-harm when she went to secondary school.
She began cutting herself when she was about twelve years old which was fuelled by an inability to express her emotions effectively and at times had suicidal intentions.
It broke my heart watching her struggle, unable to articulate her needs or how she felt. Watching her torture her own mind internally on a daily basis, then lash out at herself physically when it all became too much for her.
As a mama bear who would kill anyone who tried to hurt her baby, how do you even begin to cope with the fact that your baby is the one hurting herself?!
Luckily after years of relentless battling and the mind-blowing bravery of my daughter, who at her lowest point rang social services on herself when she was suicidal, we were able to source the support and help she needed.
Her drive and determination to tackle any problem she faces in life, still leaves me in awe! She’s my true inspiration!
REPLACING SELF-HARM WITH SELF-LOVE
Like with all the difficulties we face in life, no one can do it for you. You have to help yourself.
Becoming aware of your self-harm triggers, finding ways of distracting yourself in those moments and then dealing with the emotions that cause the triggers are the key to the recovery process.
My self-harm triggers include feeling stressed, anxious, insecure, unsafe, overwhelmed. The common thread through all of my triggers is they stem from inside me.
By working on myself (daily on my own and at times with a therapist), improving my self-esteem, self-worth, breathing, meditating, talking things through with a friend, being brave enough to communicate and have those difficult conversations I’d rather put off.
Despite my awareness of my self-harm triggers, it’s still a battle. Sometimes I do better than others.
Due to a few extremely challenging events that occurred in my life recently, I felt stressed, anxious and insecure. Big triggers I’m aware of!
Despite my awareness, the urge to chew my fingers and eat a load of harmful foods have got the better of me. I could beat myself up about it but I'm pretty sure that's what got me in to this mess haha!
So even as I write this blog with blood dripping on my keyboard from my mutilated fingers, I know it’s ok because I can choose differently. Every minute of every day is an opportunity to make a positive change.
And that’s what motivated me to write this blog today. To raise awareness about self-harm, start to break down the stigma by being open, honest and accountable about my behaviour and experiences.
I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I love myself and I deserve to be treated lovingly… and that starts with me.
I’m in a good place in my life and continue to work consistently on bettering myself. I have so many things to be grateful for. Loving friends, family, good job, a roof over my head, things I’m passionate about including this blog.
Making positive changes in my relationships, improving my communication and rediscovering my self-worth after years of telling myself I’m worthless and seeking out others who reinforce that belief.
Life is about progress, not perfection and behavioural changes take time, practice and consistency.
Not everyone will experience self-harm in the extreme sense in their lifetime. But I bet there aren’t many of us who haven’t experienced it at some level.
For those who may be struggling with self-harm, especially the more dangerous and potentially life threatening forms, please seek help from your GP or one of the free support services listed below.
The waiting lists with these services can be lengthy, especially if you require therapeutic interventions.
So if you’re in a position to seek out a private therapist who specialises in self-harm or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) it may be extremely worthwhile.
Life is hard enough. We come up against things that could potentially hurt us daily. The last thing we need to be doing is hurting ourselves.
So today let’s choose self-love, self-care, self-worth x
Mind Charity
The Samaritans
Yessss! That’s the way 👏🏻🙏🏻❤️
It is hard and when it carries on into adulthood and you’re made to feel a failure because you deviated from the path “chosen” for you, it just perpetuates the problem and reinforces what you have been made to believe about yourself. However, as you say we are enough as we are and I for one, will try to start to treat myself as such. ❤️
Thanks Kate! I can really relate to your childhood experience and the perfectionist tendencies! I’ve done the face and eyebrow picking too but have managed to reduce that now substantial. It’s hard when you grow up being made to feel like you’re not ‘enough’... but we are and we must treat ourselves as such ❤️
Another great blog Shar & again, one that really resonates with me. My childhood was spent having to be the perfect performing child with no acceptance if the standards weren’t met. I’ve been left with acceptance, confidence & self worth issues and I can now see how some of my “habits” are my forms of self harm that are being used to deal and cope with my insecurities. Things like picking and digging at the skin on my face until it’s red raw, all whilst trying to get the “perfect” skin, cheek & lip biting and don't talk to me about eyebrows! All can be dealt with by a good covering of makeup but I see how they have becom…